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If your ex hits on your friend, do you have the right to be upset?
Posted by ToniTMTaylor • 3/07/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: disrespectful, ex, friend, upset
My current says that I shouldn't be upset because my ex hit on my friend. He says that it must mean that I still care. My ex and I haven't been together in eight years. I've never wanted to get back together with him. I just think it's highly disrespectful for him to do that. How would you feel?
User Comments
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In this life I have learned two very important lessons.
(1) You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved and the rest is up to them.
(2) No matter how good a friend is, they are going to hurt me every once in a while and my best course of action is to forgive them for that, let go of bitterness that holding grudges creates and move on.
If it's over it's over and it's none of your business who your ex chooses to date. IMO you are disrespecting both your friend's and your ex's right to conduct their lives as they choose. Therefore both of them have the right to tell you to stop the drama, and the attempts to manipulate the situation, and mind your own business.-
I understand your point of view, but I disagree. Out of all the billions of people in the world, to hit on my childhood best friend is disrespectful. Luckily for me, my girlfriend felt the exact same way.
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IMO your ex has the right to approach anyone he chooses and the fact that your girlfriend turned him down means that the matter is history. Therefore, IMO you should ask yourself some questions such as:
(1) Why am I determined to keep judging, disrespecting and trying to defame my ex?
(2) What useful purpose does holding a grudge against my ex for hitting on my girlfriend serve in my life?
(3) What do I expect to get back from beating this dead horse on a public forum?
It's my position the the greatest benefits that flow from letting go of the past and forgiving flow to the person who is mature enough to forgive and get on with their own life. -
You cannot control someone's action especially someone else's love.
Since he is already an ex, he is history. He can shop anything he likes and talks to anyone he likes. Even if he wants to talk to your friends.
If you cannot let go your feeling, it is better to see a councillor. Or let time resolves the passion.
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I haven't defamed my ex. No one knows to whom it is I'm speaking of, besides my boyfriend and my girlfriend. I never said that I was holding a grudge...I said that I was upset. It happended, last night. And as for beating a dead horse in a public forum, well...simply put... this was a good topic for a healthy debate...Obviously.
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While it is understandable that people might feel upset about what their ex does, whether you have a right to is another question. In my opinion, once you've broken up with someone you don't get any input into their life or choices...especially if you broke up 8 years ago! If you're upset about who he is attracted to that's your problem, not his and you need to get over it.
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I still disagree.
Again, in my opinion the fact that he would hit on my friend, is disrespectful. I would never do that. I would never attempt to hit on any friends of family of someone that I've dated before. -
why are you asking us if you don't want to hear anything other than your own view?
Just because you consider it disrespectful doesn't mean everyone else does. We don't, and your ex doesn't...so get over it. -
Why the heck did you report my comment and have it removed? Ahhhh... now I see what happened. This the mistake that you referred to below:
ooops...I accidently pressed report when I meant to press reply...
www.blogcatalog.com/discuss/entry/if-your-ex-hits-on-your-friend-do-you-hav...
You broke up with this ex eight years ago. IMO it's none of your business who he comes on to and I said that. In the comment that was deleted I asked you when you would give up your grudge, and if you intended to take it with you to the grave. -
woah...why was your comment removed? surely the admins don't just remove any comment that's reported?
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lol...
Never said I was taking it to the grave.
and I also never said that I didn't want to hear anyone else's view. I welcome them. I like hearing what both of you have said...I still also have my own opinion.
My discussion question never was, "How should I feel?" It was, "Do you have the right to be upset?" And "How would you feel?"-
Questions: "Do you have the right to be upset?" And "How would you feel?"
After I have broken up with someone it's none of my business what they do. I recognize that I am responsible for my own emotional health. I am too mature to seek self righteous validation for pretending that others make me feel this way or that way. And I love myself too much to fill my mind with toxic thoughts so I forgive and move on. -
Self righteous validation for pretending that others make me feel this way or that....
Can you explain please. -
IMO your self righteous bias is stated in the OP when you posted this thread and further on when you refer to being upset as your right. You said: "I just think it's highly disrespectful for him to do that." So it seems to me that what motivated you to post this thread was to seek validation from those who agree with your position which you refer to as your "right".
The truth is that we control our emotions; they do not control us. A further truth is that we choose the emotions that we experience and attempting to justify the choices we make by attributing them to the behavior of others is self deception.
You didn't get the validation you were seeking from those who commented, and you have shown no indication that you have taken our differing points of view into account when it comes to changing your position. -
Being upset IS my right. I have the right to feel what I feel. The choice I have after that is how I'm going to react. That's thing about having self-control. Sure...a person can rationalize their way out of feeling a particular way about something with their mind. But emotion is emotion.
I don't have to agree with what other people have to say to prove that I've heard them. Nor do I have to change my position because other people disagree with me. I have heard your opinion. And I always listen and take into account the things that I can see, the things that I disagree with, and the things that I want to learn from.
I never posted my discussion question as a means to get validation. I posted it as a good discussion topic. Which for me, it has been. Being able to see how passionately people comment on this gives me insight to how passionately my current felt when we discussed it. That's what I've come away with in this blog discussion.
I do see the different views and like I've said before I welcome them. Discussion is healthy.
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I'm dating the best friend of an ex that I'm no longer on speaking terms with.
Well, former best friend, I suppose.
Disrespectful? Maybe. But then, I don't mind if people think I'm a jerk. My current relationship makes me happy, and if my ex doesn't like it, she can take a hike. My life, not hers. -
ooops...I accidently pressed report when I meant to press reply...
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You have no control over either of them.-
@voodookobra
Exactly and it's sick to seek to control the behaviors of others both when you are in relationship with them and after the relationship has collapsed. Claiming you have a right to judge and hold onto anger means that you are agreeing to experience the toxic effects of poisoning your own mind. So be it, but IMO seeking validation for choosing to poison your own mind is a dis-ease rooted in immaturity, insecurity, and it's also evidence of an unhealthy indication towards developing a control fetish. -
I agree.
I wouldn't attempt to control the behaviors of anyone but myself. -
But you clearly want to control who your ex-boyfriend has relationships with. Otherwise what are we talking about? Saying he can't date anyone who knows you is controlling.
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I never told him what to do. I never said "How could you hit on her?"
I just sat and watched him do it.
What I said was...I was upset that he hit on her. It made me feel uncomfortable. She's like my sister.To me it would be like my sister having sex with someone that I had.
I also never told her what to do. She felt the same way I did.
So clearly, regardless of how I felt...I never once tried to control either one of them.
I just said that it upset me. -
You might not have said anything, but you want the fact that you had a relationship 8 years ago determine who he can and can't date. The fact that you're uncomfortable has nothing to do with him, it's entirely your problem.
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I think 8 years is long enough. Now, if it was 8 days, you have a right to be upset. But 8 years? Let it go and let them be happy.
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I don't really understand the concept of "the right to be upset". Being upset is an emotion--it either happens or it doesn't. Maybe the question you're really asking is whether your ex has done something wrong? That probably depends on a lot of things, including the duration of your relationship, whether your friend was your friend during that relationship, the norms among your social group, etc. But in the end, it doesn't matter whether he's done something wrong or not--he's your ex and you have no control over his behavior.-
Oh...well...
He and I were engaged for five years eight years ago. My girlfriend and I have been best friends for twenty years.
I agree, I don't have any control over his behavior.
It just upset me last night. -
Do you see the wisdom and personal benefit there is to yourself in choosing not to be upset today, and instead just forgiving him for his behavior, and moving on?
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Thanks for that...it does benefit me to not be upset today...and I'm not
Although this discussion got me riled up at points.=) That is a good thing.
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Ignore it. Cannot have your cake and eat it too. Be content with the partner you have chosen. Possessive behavior is all it boils down to ... unless your current partner is correct that you still have feelings for your previous mate. Best advice is to let this person go mentally and be happy they are trying to make their life more complete.
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I kind of agree with your current boyfriend/partner. If you're upset after 8 years...maybe you are still carrying a bit of a torch for him.
My goodness, I have ex's where the relationship was serious (engagements) long term, flings - you name. Years after the fact I can see them, in anew relationships (with whomever) and be perfectly happy for them. In fact, I even took the time to set one of my girlfriends up with an ex of mine because I knew them both so well, I thought they'd be very happy together.
And they were.
The only time I get upset about what an ex does with regards to relationships is if they pick up and date someone who is bad, bad, bad. And only because I don't want them to get hurt.-
You go girl. That is what true love is, in my opinion. If you truly love someone, you want them to be happy, no matter how much pain it may bring you. But it should not bring you pain, but satisfaction. You love them, they are happy. What more could you possibly ask for someone that you love? The damn EGO can get in the way of reasoning.
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That's an awesome way to view it...
of all the responses your take on it makes the most sense to me.
I was actually surprised that it upset me, simply because we have been broken up for so long. When I really sat and thought about it, it was because it was my childhood girlfriend.
I have had four girlfriends for fifteen years or more and we've never dated any of each other's ex's.
I do have an ex that I'm good friends with, and I see him with other people all the time....never effects me. but...I think if he were to date someone inside my core group of girlfriends, it would bother me.
I'd like to be more like you in the way of it being okay...but the truth is...I'm not there yet.
love the ninja-
Thank, I am to please
I will say that I've remained friends with most of my ex's though - so maybe it's different. I remember the first time I saw the absolute love of my life after we broke up (it was actually years after the fact) - the shock was the flood of emotions I felt upon seeing him. Although he really was my first, true love. It took me aminute, but I shook it off, and met his wife and children.
They are a beautiful, happy family.
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In the beginning...It'a just inappropriate for your ex to hit on your friend or a relative of yours. It's also inappropriate for your friend to flirt back or start dating your ex. That's just my opinion. But it's been so many years so I'd have to say anything is okay now. Yes, you will have some pain and it's going to be weird but this is just an emotion you gotta work through and conquer. -
I think when you *feel* a strong emotion such as hurt, such as what you have described, it gives us a chance to examine ourselves. We can examine ourselves and what this means to feel this way.
Our emotions can tell a story, if we listen to what is underlying.
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I don't know why do you think it's inappropiate... in my case, I'm dating with my ex husband best friend. Of course, at first we thaught that love between us were such a shame, but why? we both were single after all, with nothing to hide, so we go on and passed toghether all odds. Best of all, they didn't ruin their friendship.
Hurt, disappointment, upset, are just selfish feelings. It's just a matter to be open minded enough to let life and love flow on.
Cheers!
,-·*’°§♥ aleare ♥§°’*·-, -
@ Toni I'm no expert on love, but this is just my opinion.
If your ex hits on your friend let it be, it doesn't matter. Maybe there's a genuine interest in that person. I mean maybe you and your childhood friend have such close personality traits that your ex admires, and is attracted to that.
But then again, and this sounds like what happened. Is that your ex was hitting on your friend right there in front of you? While I may not like ex/friends getting together personally I won't put myself between the two. Out of respect though, I wouldn't hit on a friend of my ex right there in front of their faces. That would be just plain rude imo.
What people do on their own private space etc shouldn't bother me. When they put it in front of me like that is when it becomes my problem. -
Once you've broken up with someone you nop longer have the right to get involved with who they hit on. You don't have to like it but that is the nature of life. -
@ Toni, I completely undertand you and whole heartedly agree.
As much as many people have taken the view that your ex should be permitted to get involved with one of your friends, in my opinion, it is hurtful, disrespectful and a line that should not be crossed without your permission.
Regardless of the fact that he has no current romantic involvement with you, he should have been sensitive to the fact that your friend is just too close to home. But I fear, he is a man who lacks such sensitivity.
You are well within your right to be annoyed at this. -
I can understand you not wanting him involved in your life again, via your friend. I do however think that it is not morally wrong for he and your friend to date. Maybe you do have residual feelings for him? If things ended badly between you, or he behaved badly towards you...then a good friend will see that and not want much to do with him. On the other hand, if he was a gentleman, even during the breakup...wouldn't you want him to find someone good? -
I don't think you should be upset at all. He is your EX not your current. He is free to do what he wants and that includes asking your friend out if he is attracted to her/him.
I have had ex-boyfriends hit on my friends and it doesn't bother me in the least--but then, I wouldn't give an 'ex' that much energy to upset me. After all, that's why he is in the 'ex' category--because at some point, I figured out he wasn't the right match for me.
Who he dates, who he hits on, who he marries is completely irrelevant to my life.
And FWIW, I am actually good friends with *most* of my exes. I figure if they were good enough for me to fall in love, then they must have qualities I value in a friend. And if I care for a person as a friend, I obviously care about his/her happiness. If a friend can find happiness dating another friend of mine, so be it! After all, I am married to the love of my life right now and don't want to deny others the opportunity to find the same happiness I have attained. -
The question is who are you upset at - your friend or your ex? Don't be angry at your friend, she probably didn't have anything to do with it. I always had discussion with my friends about my exes. When my roommate started sleeping with my ex, I didn't care because we had broken up two years ago and I gave them my blessing because I was so over it. But if it had been a different ex, it would have been a different story!
As for the ex, sure! Be pissed! It's an ex! I'm still pissed my ex-girlfriend hit on my mom two years ago! Just don't let it consume you. -
He's an ass, nothing you can do about it. But your friend better not hit on him back. -
are you upset that he hit on her or just that he hit on her in front of you? -
Your ex is your ex for a reason. He has the right to date whoever he wants and you have the right to be upset at whatever you choose. -
This thread upsets me. wait... wrong thread.
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If you friend rejected you ex cracking on to her then why is there an issue. The problem is solved in my opinion. I would be more worried if your friend accepted - unless you still hold a torch for your ex and still care about what he does -
I understand your feelings and if I was in your shoes, I would move on from both of them.
Ultimately you can make your own decision and move on with your life.
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